Wednesday

Today was outrageous. The phones at the office went down around 11:30 a.m. this morning. Leaving us without any way to get incoming calls. I spend around 4-5 hours on the phone (which we could dial out on) trying to get to the bottom of the problem. Only after I had left for the day, did I get a call telling me what had gone on. It seems that since we are change our phone service to a new provider, the old one has gotten into a snit and just cut our service off prematurely. Tomorrow will be a real adventure getting it back up - which hopefully will be back up before mid-morning.

Just about closing time, Dean called. He had locked his keys in his car and I apparently had the only spare. Which I was in total denial about having - I had to come home and actually look through the spare keys to convince myself that I had it. Even then I wasn't sure that the key I had was his (I thought that it was from Walter's old GEO), but it was and he was 'rescued', and now has possession of that spare.

I had planned on going to the gym this evening with Roz, but with the trip to Sandston and needing to be home at 8 p.m. this evening to monitor a teleconference. The gym lost out, but not to worry, tomorrow is just around the corner.

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

FBI Job Opening
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Tuesday

This evening I hit the gym for about an hour. It was the first visit so I got the basic tour and intro to the various machines.

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day: While you plan for tomorrow and fret about yesterday,don't forget to live today.

Remember
No matter what situations life throws at you,
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...

Remember, there is a light at the end of tunnel.

Glad I could make you smile!!!
CAR ACCIDENT IN TEXAS ...PRICELESS !!
This will make you laugh!

Turn up your sound and click on the website below.

This accident happened in the Dallas -Ft. Worth area and you must listen to it.

It is a phone call from a man who witnesses a car accident involving four elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their website.

The guy's laugh is contagious. Just close your eyes and picture what he sees.

Put Him Back

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her brother was a gift from God.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand, Mommy. God didn't want him either."

Saturday

Another fine Spring day. Carla has been enjoying having the door open and being able to come and go (at least from house to patio). I've moved Tweat's cage outside for the day. She does seem to enjoy it when I put her outside. Sometimes there is what sounds like conversation going on between her and the other birds in the woods.

A little later this morning I'll be running up to the car to get all the boxes out. It appears that this time when I move it won't just look like I'm some sort of alcoholic (with all the liquor boxes) but maybe some sort of medical supply company as well. Boxes from work are terrific. If I'm very energetic all get the laundry done as well.

The plans for Monday are to go with Roz to Victory Lady and sign up. She and I are going to be working out together on Monday, Wednesday and Thursdays. It will be great for both of us - someone to workout with always is much more fun.

I headed out this afternoon on a mission to get a photoshop book from Books-a-Million only to find that they had nothing that I wanted and was going to have to go to Barnes & Noble any way. Then when I got to the one closest is closing up to move across the street to the mall and had nothing that I was looking for. So I took a slight side trip to visit with Marion & her family. I was able to meet the new granddaughter. She was delightful. I was even able to see all of the kids. It was nice catching up.

I finally was successful at getting the book I was looking for, but then the dreaded "bookstore mania" came over me and I ended up walking out with 6 different books. I could be book poor. It is not a great place for me to hang out. Since I usually come out with more than I ever went in to buy in the first place.

I did also get the opportunity to stop by and visit with Alice for a short time. I think that we had a nice visit.

The rainly has finally made it Richmond. Carla is hiding out now that the thunder has begun.

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day: “Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclination, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” — John Adams

Lawn Burglars
Brookpark, Ohio: Burglars recently broke in to an unoccupied house that was being renovated for sale. Among the items they stole were roofing shingles, a lawn mower, weed whackers, and lumber.

They broke into a storage area under the deck and also a shed in the back. Before leaving, though, they mowed the lawn of the residence.

Neighbors report seeing strange men walking around the home, but they never called the police because they figured the men were hired to do the lawn.

The owners are quoted as saying they will leave a pressure washer and painting equipment for the thieves next week as they did a better job than the lawn care company they had hired, and they were cheaper also.

Epitath
A doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery:

"In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience."

An unusal purchase: I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

People In Your Life
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thursday

Walter has finally broken down and called the mover. They are going to come by on Monday to give us an estimate. Hopefully it will not be overly expensive.

I've been a busy bee this evening. I have FINALLY taken down the Christmas tree. Hmm...let's see it's been up since early December and here it is the end of April. I'd have had that darn thing down months ago, but work and Walter have both been keeping me a little busier than I normally would have been.

Carla has been thrilled, in her doggie way, that I've been home this evening. She was able to lay out in the back field for quite a while this evening and is now all curled up in the chair on a couple of throw pillows.

The girls at work are starting to help me out on gathering up boxes for the up coming move. It's time to start packing up what I can.

A Rainy Sunday

The rain has been coming down all day. There even has been bouts of lightening to go with it from time to time. We've needed the rain, but it does make for a long day. I went out to church this morning - dodging a quite a few rain drops in the process. This evening was choir practice, it went well. In between I've been entertaining myself doing some of the regular household chores and working on a project for work at home.

Sean gave me a call today it seems that he and Dean have been spending the last few evenings out fishing at the reservoir. They have been catching a few, but they have either been releasing them or passing them along to other fishermen.

This afternoon and evening my internet connection has been fuzzy. It is annoying when that happens. Consistency would be great.

Simple Saturday

What a wonderful morning to wake up to! The birds are singing and there was even a bit of a breeze. Delightful.

This morning I went out and pampered myself just a little. I had a manicure, pedicure and my eyebrows done. I've even scheduled an appointment for Monday to have my hair done.

I've been playing around this afternoon doing a little work and answering some fun email. I have also discovered that we are currently being invaded by the catepillars that have come out of their nest at the edge of the woods. Catepillars are cute, but when the invasion starts they aren't cute at all they are very annoying.

Friday

Welcome to Friday!

I'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend. I do hope that the nice weather holds out through out so that all of us office rats, have the opportunity to enjoy a bit of sunshine and pleasant weather.

The afternoon was quite pleasant - I enjoyed getting outside for a short while this afternoon. I did end up staying at work much longer than I had wanted to this evening though. But it was for a good cause - Verizon showed up at the office this morning to install the FIOS cabling into the office. This involved burying cable from the street to the back of the building and then fishing the line into the building under the parking lot. It work really well until it came to fishing the line into the building. That little feat of engineering took around 4 hours to accomplish. The cable wouldn't turn the corner and the insulation in the pipe didn't want to get out of the way. Finally at 6:30 everything was in and ready for the installer to show up. Now hopefully that won't take too long for him to get to the office next week.

Once I arrived back home this evening I discovered the the cable is still out...I called yesterday and reported it when I got home and here it is 24 hours later and still out. I reported it for a second time this evening, but Comcast isn't giving me any warm fuzzy feelings about getting it fixed. There isn't a live person to talk with or even a recorded message letting me know if there is a wide spread outage or not. I guess I'll either watch movies this evening or even better yet I'll work on some more of my Italian and see if that can't get moving along a bit more.

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day: "The act of empowering others changes lives" John C. Maxwell

Air Boss
Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

Marriage Teachings
At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

"Through the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet."

Driver's Test
It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean I failed my test?"

Prayer
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"

One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."

Thursday

The day has been quite full.

Walter and I were talking today about some of the dumb things that were going on in the news. I told him that they were dumb as bricks, but he did chime in to say that even though they are dumb they are "constructive". It was the big laugh of the evening.

Sean called around 9:45 p.m. they had been out checking out the constellations when they saw a shooting star. A really cool sight any time.

I just was going over the calendar for May and it is going to be hopping!

3rd - Mother-Daughter Tea with Mom
7th - Creedance Clearwater Revisited Concert
10th - A day out with Mom. I'm going to take her out to Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens for a Mother's Day photo shoot.
15th-17th Dentistry For Diabetics Conference, Independence, Ohio. We even are getting to go out to a harness race one evening.
19th-21st Dreamweaver training. A full three days of web design.
21st - The Eagles Concert, Charlottesville, VA
24th - Moving Day

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day: “An unlimited power to tax involves, necessarily, a power to destroy; because there is a limit beyond which no institution and no property can bear taxation.” — John Marshall

One Hard Question
There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

Christian One Liners

• Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
• Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
• Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
• It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
• The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
• When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
• People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
• Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
• Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
• If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
• God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
• Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
• Peace starts with a smile.
• I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
• A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
• We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
• Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
• Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
• Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
• Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
• Forbidden fruits create many jams.
• God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
• God grades on the cross, not the curve.
• God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
• God promises a safe landing,not a calm passage.
• He who angers you, controls you!
• If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
• Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
• The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
• The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Tuesday

It has been an interesting day. It was proposed earlier this morning I be cloned. I really did need to be two people today. Even though there have been a couple that I would have been really blessed to have been three people.

I ordered up Walter & I a pair of tickets to see Creedence Clearwater Revisited at Innsbrook on May 7th this evening. That gives us two concerts that we're going to in May. This one will be the first and the BIG ONE is to see The Eagles, on May 21st in Charlottesville, VA at the John Paul Jones Arena.

Walter is pouting this evening - Comcast has dropped the History Channel from the basic cable line up and moved it to a strictly digital channel. So he isn't a very happy camper. I've told him that he can watch all the digital channels, STARZ, HDTV and HBO OnDemand all he wants at my place.

Dentistry For Diabetics

We've been working on the Dentistry For Diabetics program. This is going to really be a great help to diabetics and pre-diabetics. It is amazing at the connection between dental health and your overall health. Who would have thought that by having an infection in your mouth that you could have an increased risk of heart problems and that if you are diabetic...that you could actually be working against your own self in keeping it under control. The infection makes it harder for you to control your blood sugar and then the rise in blood sugar makes the infection harder to get under control. Round and round it goes. It is a closed-loop that is very important to pay attention to and get under control. It would be so great that if more diabetics paid as much attention to their oral health as they should.

We even had a couple of advertisements for the program in the Reader's Digest, and Diabetes Self Management. Dentistry For Diabetics donated $10,000 to the American Diabetes Association at the end of last month for diabetes education. The local CBS station, WTVR, came out and covered the story. We had a spot on the early morning news the next morning. I shot a video of it while the television crew was in the office.

Sunday

I've not been posting much, but I've been pretty much just hanging out in the evenings taking it easy. This weekend I picked up the new glasses, they are going to take just a little getting use to. I found a copy of "The Mayflower Madame" and went to work reading that on Saturday. It was a quick read and I finished it up this afternoon. I've gotten the laundry done and am just counting down the weeks till I don't have to go out to do it

Here are a couple of photos that I've recent taken. The squirrel was hanging out on the fence behind the office and the Robin was taking a bath in a puddle in the field behind the apartment yesterday afternoon.














Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day:

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
_____________________________________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
_____________________________________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why in the world would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
______________________________________________________________

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny wench to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
______________________________________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that wench Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
_____________________________________________________________

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
_____________________________________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Little Boy Tells All From Bathroom Stall
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:.....

'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now ? M ommy, what are you doing?
Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?' At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?
Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! You gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!'

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.

Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.

Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have s ome! ' 'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at this point. 'Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!'

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?' More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

'Mommy, it's ti me to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.' He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!'

I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms.)

Grouchiness
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Starting To Date
Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ............ just remember ............... I don't mind going back to prison."

SCATTERGORIES
As stated by a friend, this "Intellectual exercise stimulation."

...it's harderthan it looks! *Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...
*they have to be real places, names, things. Nothing made up!

You CANNOT use your name for the boy/girl name question.

What Is Your Name?
4 Letter Word?
Vehicle?
TV Show?
City?
Boy Name?
Girl Name?
Occupation?
Something You Wear?
Food?
Something Found in a Bathroom?
Reason for Being Late?
Something You Shout?

Thursday

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day: Chinese saying, "When someone share with you something of value, you have an obligation to share it with others."

Birthing Spa
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight. "What do you think?" she said.

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

Transcribing Confusion
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

Giuseppe Spomdalucc
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

A Scene You Will Probably Never Get To See
This is the sunset at the North Pole with the moon at its closest poin. you also see the sun below the moon. An amazing photo and not one easily duplicated.

Tuesday

I do believe that I may have made it back to the land of the living, even it if took almost 12 hours of sleep to do so.

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day:
Approval Letter
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer.

"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Olga.

"I think that next time," Dewey replied. "I'm writing to Toyota".

Glazier
My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

Tips for Healthy Living
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually, speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is 1 to 1. If you have 2 bodies, your ratio is 2 to 1, etc.

Q: What are advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

Sunday

Conference Day 3 - This is our final day here in Nashville. We are attending a full day with Dan Kennedey. I'm sure that I'll have a tremendous pile of notes by the end of the day.

Our flight out is around 6:00 p.m., I'll update everybody by phone when we're finally on the way home. See ya'll later on.

Sitting in the Nashville airport awaiting the arrival of our plane, I was hanging out sitting in the floor working on flowcharts. When it was brought to my attention that George Carvell was just across the hallway from us at the newstand. Hmmm. Do I work on the flowchart or get up and speak? Hmmm. Work on the flowchart, because I didn't have anything nice to say. Now, if I had been a Democrat I could have become all fluttered and fallen all over myself, but alas no need for me to worry myself.

Just got a call from Sean, it seems that he was playing in a wheelchair up at Kroger when he got his finger stuck in the wheel. He apparently got it stuck really well, and there was concern that he may have even broken it. Dean took him to Patient First. There was good news, only really pinched.

Our flight to Dulles was uneventful. I spent the time reading Sex Money Kiss, by Gene Simmons. Much to my delight it is much better than I first assumed, very enlightening. Upon arrival we were greeted with the unhappy news that our flight to Richmond was delayed about an hour and a half. There was debate as to whether or not to just blow off the flight and rent a car and drive home, but after figuring that it would most likely take that long just to secure our luggage before we left we settled in for the duration.

I called Walter from the plane as we were leaving Dulles so that he would know when to leave to come pick me up. The temperatures were cool but definitely tolerable, but we were heading in a drizzle at home.

Walter, bless his heart, met me at the airport to take me home. He was waiting in the lobby as close to the gate as airport security would allow. He was tremendously helpful in getting the computers back to the car - I didn't have to tote it any more.

It was nice finally getting back home. Carla was thrilled.

Saturday

Conference Day 2 - The weather is still overcast. I doubt that we see any sunshine while we are here, too bad, because it would be awesome to see the gardens in good sunlight. It would make the pictures much better.

We have another early start this morning and the closing ceremonies are around 9:30 p.m. this evening. I may be able to get some more posted but it is going to be later on.

Have a great one!

Our speaker this evening was George Ross, from "The Apprentice". I was able to speak with him before his speech. He was a gracious man. He was so sweet to stand and talk with everyone and have photos made prior to taking the stage. He's just like a regular guy. He gave us plenty of wonder advise which simply stated is, "FAILURE + PERSEVERENCE EQUALS SUCCESS." And he gave us this solid mantra to repeat in the faces of those who think that their price is final..."You've Got To Do Better."

We all went out this evening to explore the nightlife of Nashville. What interesting sights to see. We started out at Tootses - they had two bands playing one upstairs and one down. The atmosphere was very laid back and friendly. We moved on to Cadillac Catus the decor was interesting there was a Cadillac hanging from the ceiling, upstairs they had a mechanical bull for the more adventurous.

Friday

Morning. I woke this morning to the windows rattling. Nashville is having thunderstorms today. I'm so glad that we were able to change hotels and get into the venue location. No hopping in a taxi and walking through parking lots everyday. It's especially great since I didn't pack an umbrella.

Even walking through the atrium had it had it's gloomy moments, due to all the rain. On the way to lunch today I was able to take a number of photos of the grand atrium within the hotel. This is only one of the many, many waterfalls thoughout the entire hotel. There are loads of orchids too.

This afternoon we had lunch at the Jack Daniel's Grill. Our table was out on the patio. It was so strange, you're inside, but you're "outside". There was this statue out front of Jack Daniels.

Will back fill this space in a few days. I have photos from the hotel gardens. Lots of orchids and other shade loving plants, along with waterfalls, fountains and garden statues.

Walt - thanks for checking up on me around 7 p.m. - I was still in meetings and stayed there until I came up for bed. Talk to you sometime on Saturday. I do believe it will be another packed day.

More later...

It's been a long day - just got into the room around 12:30 p.m.

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Casino Heart Attacks
Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

Fun at the Airport

What a great way to begins our trip! Once making it in to the airport, having checked in and made our way through security. We grabbed some lunch and then...found out that our flight was delayed for almost two hours. By the time we would have arrived in Chicago our connecting flight would have already departed. Off back through the airport to the ticket counter.

Such a mess, off one airline an onto another. So back through airport security - this time we are all flagged for that extra special thorough search. It seems that since we changed our flight plans and airlines it keys up some sort of "red flag" that required the "extra" attention. I hope that the return is much less eventful.

Right now, we are scheduled to depart at 4:09 for Charlotte (instead of O'Hare), so there is about an hour left to wait...cross your fingers for us that this flight isn't delayed. We'll already be almost three hours late getting into Nashville as it is.

We made it in about 9:30 p.m. central time. The hotel is fabulous. I can only image at this point what it looks like during the daylight hours. There are fountains, gardens, a canal and much more just inside the complex. I'm not into exploring this evening, but I'm sure that there will be many photos to take during the next few days.

Speaking of photos, here are a couple of my room. All nice and comfy.













Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

California Highway Patrol vs. USMC
Top this for a speeding ticket:::::::::

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMCF/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

The reply came back in true USMC style: Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.

Wednesday

Here it is Wednesday night and I'm doing laundry. It is an absolute pain. It is kinda of a petty thing to complain about, but at least it is just that petty. It's getting about time for me to schlep back across the street to change over the clothes to the dryer. Then it will be time to pack.

It's been busy day. I spent the day cleaning up the odds and ends that needed to be finished up or at least stablized before leaving tomorrow.

I'm heading out tomorrow for Nashville. Walter will be manning the fort with Carla for the duration. I just know they will have fun. Gettin up in the middle of the night to go 'potty'. which will require Walte to traverse a set a of stairs whether he wants to or not. I do think that he's going to try to work on walking Carla with a leash while I'm gone...should be fun to hear about when I get back.

Well the laundry's done....time to head down and pack before bed.

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day: “I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word ‘fair’ in connection with income tax policies.”— William F. Buckley Jr

TOP TEN THINGS THE APOSTLE PAUL
WOULD HAVE DONE IF HE HAD A PC
10. Download MP3's of the Righteous Brothers for entertainment while on those long, tedious missionary journeys.
9. Visit WebMD.com about that persistent pain in flesh
8. Spiritual armor would include virus protection software
7. "To live is Christ, to die is to have a 28K modem"
6. Book boat tickets using Priceline.com
5. E-mail pictures of Peter eating pork to the gang back in Jerusalem
4. Church officers: Pastor, Elder, Deacon, System Administrator
3. Use decryption software to interpret tongues
2. Describe conversion experience as the "Divine Reboot"
1. Add Spam to list of cardinal sins

Copyright 2002 Gary Cantwell. Permission is granted to send this to others, but not for commercial purposes.

Decision
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

Unexpected Driver
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know', he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law...But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

Raise
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"

The boss answered, "As soon as you do."

"A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it."

Blind Date Slap
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

Tuesday

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Thought For the Day: "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?"

GI Rally
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "The cook's working for the Germans!"

1-800-45TEACH
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information.

The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.

Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."

Flat Cat
Mr. Frobisher walked anxiously to the house and knocked.

When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”

The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I'm game, but how are you at catching mice?”