Email Gleanings

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan

Montana Ranchers

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped back his hat and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here...these coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep...they're eatin' em!"

The meeting never really got back to order.

Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

4 Worms Church Sermon!

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!  Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!! A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.  The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'   That pretty much ended the service.

57 Cent Church

A little girl stood near a small church from which she had been turned away because it was 'too crowded.'

'I can't go to Sunday School,' she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by.

Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday school class. The child was so happy that they found room for her, and she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus.

Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings. Her parents called for the kindhearted pastor who had befriended their daughter to handle the final arrangements.

As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled red purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump.

Inside was found 57 cents and a note, scribbled in childish handwriting, which read: 'This is to help build the little church bigger so more children can go to Sunday School.'

For two years she had saved for this offering of love.

When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion.

He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building.

But the story does not end there....

A newspaper learned of the story and published It. It was read by a wealthy Realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands.

When told that the church could not pay so much, he offered to sell it to the little church for 57 cents.

Church members made large donations. Checks came from far and wide. Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to $250,000.00--a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century). Her unselfish love had paid large dividends.

When you are in the city of Philadelphia, look up Temple Baptist Church, with a seating capacity of 3,300. And be sure to visit Temple University, where thousands of students are educated.

Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of beautiful children, built so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside during Sunday school time.

In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor, Dr. Russell H. Conwell, author of the book, 'Acres of Diamonds'.

This is a true story, which goes to show WHAT GOD CAN DO WITH 57 CENTS.

Michigan Weather

It's winter in Michigan

And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave Michigan,
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.

Yard Clean Up

Special thanks go out to Sean & Dean who just about spent the whole day over at the house helping us clear out the rocks and downed limbs in the yard. Dean even took the chainsaw to about 50 small stumps in the backyard. Now it doesn't look like a field of spikes, all nice and safe now. We don't have to worry about people cutting through the yard and falling on one of the pointed stumps. Much, much safer.

Walter & Sean took off a huge load of rotted wood and miscellaneous debris and then came back and started on the rocks. Glad that we were able to get those over to Diane & Ryland - much nicer to have them go to someone that is going to use. It'll be cool to see what they do with them.

Verizon Part 7

Just a quickie to end the whole Verizon Wireless saga. FedEx got my note and no phone was delivered to the house. At least now, I don't have any more packages to worry about. Glad to finally be over with all of that.

On the happy side, I'm loving my iPhone 4. It has solved all the reception issues that I was having at the house and my calls have been crystal clear. Yeah!

Verizon Part 6

I didn't think we'd get here, but sure enough we did, part 6 of the Verizon Wireless saga. I went out this evening to get wood from the wood rack and discovered a FedEx door tag! The 2nd phone that was due to have been delivered on Friday of last week had arrived. Thank goodness no one had been home to sign for the darn thing. I've got the little door tag all prepared for tomorrow - written in huge letters PACKAGE REFUSED!

By my calculations Verizon could have saved nearly $100.00 in shipping by just telling me to go to the store and get an new one. They even could have given me a BIG discount or credit to my account and still come out better than paying for all that shipping. Let's see - shipping 2 phones via FedEx overnight; shipping 1 phone via UPS overnight delivery by noon on a Saturday; plus return shipping on the original phone. Looks like a whole lot of money for not much of a return.

Hopefully tomorrow with the arrival of FedEx here at the house will end this whole mess.

I'd like to publicly apologize to the FedEx guy who delivers here at the house, I tried to get them NOT to send it here. Thank you for your patience.

Verizon Part 5

The email that I had received from Verizon was right on the money, FedEx showed up this morning with the replacement phone which I promptly refused to accept. The problem was it was five days later than it was promised (not a FedEx problem.) I'm still shaking my head over the whole ordeal, but at least with today's delivery refusal and a return package via UPS I am through with this particular saga.

On a very happy note, I am experiencing the best cell reception that I've ever had at home (5 bars!) and haven't (knock on wood) dropped any calls. In fact yesterday I talked for over 2 hours without dropping even once. Normally that much airtime would have resulted in at least 15 dropped signals. The iPhone 4 so far is living up to the hype. So far I'm very happy that I did go with the phone upgrade.

Verizon Part 3 & 4

Well the replacement cell phone did arrive Saturday before noon as promised. I was highly amazed.

Then I went to get it all set up to run, that was another whole story. Here I started to get the thing all activated and set up and it won't let me activate it. It automatically called support.

I felt like I had been directed directly to the sales department and here I was just trying to activate the dang thing. It took a bit to get it done, but finally it was all set. While I was on the line, I was even offered an extra $50.00 off a phone upgrade, which was a great deal - but I really like my Droid so I didn't take advantage of it at the time. I wanted to see if the fix that they told me would happen actually would.

Part 4

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon, here I am out with Walter working in the yard. Trying to talk to Sean when drop, drop, drop goes the call. Enough is enough!  I did briefly look at my email before heading off and discovered that the phone that had been order to be delivered to the office on Friday (and was suppose to have been canceled on Friday) was on it's way for delivery on Tuesday the 22nd!!! Wow!

Still shaking my head from that, I headed off to the Verizon Wireless store (on Hull Street) to get this thing straighten out in person.  Enough of hanging on hold for hours on end.

Mike, Corey M, & Michael at the Verizon Store

Now I've got to admit that by the time that I arrived I was a bit 'testy' and in no mood to get jerked around.   I was getting registered at the sign in kisok trying to figure out exactly what to select as the reason for my visit, since there was no "pissed off" option when one of the salesmen very nicely helped me out there.

There was a crowd at the store so it took a little while until my turn came around, but once Corey M. got to me everything was much better.  He was very helpful in trying to resolve my issue with dropped calls.

I had pretty much decided before I got there that I was going to upgrade my phone to end all the dropped call issues, the only decision left was to decide which phone.  I had been thinking about getting the Droid X or the iPhone 4 but wasn't quite sure which I'd go with.  Corey M. was able to answer all my questions and made the switch to the iPhone.

Corey spoke with the Verizon Wireless national assistance (who hadn't been overall very helpful at all) trying to get them to offer me some sort of extra deal to compensate me for all the hassles that I had been dealing with.  They were a tough bunch to deal with and I was glad to have the extra help. In the end they did offer a small credit, but not nearly enough in my book.  Oh well!

Yet at the end of the day, I would have to say that the "Part 4" of my ordeal with Verizon Wireless was the handled the best.  Corey did a fantastic job of steering me through the complaint process.  Michael, Eric and Corey all were very knowledgeable about the iPhone, providing me with answers to each and everyone of my questions.  Thanks to them the conclusion to the issue was pleasant and left me feeling great about my purchase and experience at the Verizon Wireless store.  Thanks Guys!

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Gentle Lessons of Life

• A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight 
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it
• He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
• Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
• If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
• There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
• Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
• Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
• Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. Amen!

Verizon Part 2

The story it seems goes on and on. This morning the FedEx guy came to the office bearing packages, but not the one that I was looking for. He being the wonderful guy that he is, called the other carrier who delivers to the house to see if he had a delivery for me. Hmmm...no delivery at either address. This did not bode well for Verizon.

I waited patiently till quitting time for the day to call, because after the previous attempt at getting things straight I just knew it was going to "take a while". Turned out that to get to the bottom of this "oversight" took about 35 minutes from start to finish. And just what was this oversight? It seems that both deliveries that I had been told had shipped out on Wednesday night, both were just sitting around in limbo. No movement, nada, nothing. There were no notes or anything that I was told to explain the situation. Lovely!

The tech support guy that helped me today, tells me that he has scheduled the phone to be delivered to the house by noon tomorrow (Saturday) and that it is coming, this time, by UPS. I truly, truly hope that I do not have to pick up the phone and call them again tomorrow because it doesn't arrive. It won't be a pretty sight if I have to.

In other strange Verizon news, our office phones suddenly went busy yesterday morning and that took a good deal of time on hold and transferring around Verizon to get straightened out as well. The phones came back up shortly after talking to repair and all was well. This morning I get a voice message on the cell from Verizon regarding the phones, but I can't return the call. The woman who left the message spoke in a very muffled voice and we were unable to make out the phone number that we were to call back, let alone the repair order number. All very slurred together. You'd think that if they couldn't find any problem that they would at least try phoning the number that they were checking on to see if it worked for them. Amazingly enough if they had they would have gotten a live person.

Such is the way things seem to be going at Verizon these days.

Waiting and Waiting

Well my Motorola Android phone kept dropping calls, and dropping calls. So I finally made the call to Verizon tech support to get a resolution, this only after I had already attempted to do all the standard corrective measures (updating towers; software; and re-seating the battery).

It turns out that there is a "known" issue with the phone and they are all set to ship out a replacement one to the house. Which is a problem, since they need my signature - they didn't tell me that they needed a signature until I asked when it was being delivered. Then they told me they needed the signature- at which point I told them they needed to deliver it to the office instead. Which turned out to be a big issue, since she had already gotten the order out. So here I've sat for about 45 minutes waiting for the tech support to get hold of the right person so that we can change the delivery address.

My patience is truly wearing thin.

A Week's Worth of Email Laughter

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

A STRANGE FUNERAL

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS

For Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $30.00
Coffee: $1.00
TOTAL: $31.00

________________________________________

For Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

NEWFOUNDLAND JACK

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack, being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Jack attended mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Jack's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish."

BIKER DUDE

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,  "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!  Why are you committing suicide ?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Happy Valentine's Day!

Read this one over the weekend with regard to cupid being the symbol for romance & Valentine's Day. "When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is this little fat midget with wings coming at me with a weapon." I nearly fell over laughing and then wondered, just where did this idea that Cupid was all sweet and lovable come from. I ran this one past Walter, a fount of random information and he believes that cupid was the messenger for Aphrodite in Roman mythology. So off I went in search of the answer.

From Wikipedia comes the answer, which very much follows what Walter came up with (he really must have been paying attention during his Latin classes in high school):

In Roman mythology, Cupid is the god of erotic love and beauty. The arrows are from painting and sculpture.

Throughout ancient mythological writing, there appear to be either two Cupids or two sides to the figure of Cupid. One is the son of Mars (Ares) and Venus (Aphrodite). He is a lively youth who delights in pranks and spreading love. The other is a son of Nyx and Erebus, known for riotous debauchery.

In the Roman version, Cupid was the son of Venus (goddess of love) and Mars (god of war), and in the Greek version he was the son of Aphrodite and was named Eros, the following story is almost identical in both cultures. He was often depicted with wings, a bow, and a quiver of arrows. When his mother got extremely jealous of the princess Psyche, who was so loved by her subjects that they forgot to worship Venus,[1] she ordered Cupid to make her fall in love with the ugliest and poorest man in the world. When Cupid saw Psyche, though, he was so overcome with her unnatural beauty that he dropped an arrow on his foot, and fell in love with her himself.

Following that, Cupid visited Psyche every night in his invisible form and told her not to try to see him. Psyche, though, incited by her two older sisters who told her Cupid was a monster, tried to look at him and angered Cupid. When he left, she looked all over the known world for him until at last the leader of the gods, Jupiter, gave Psyche the gift of immortality so that she could be with him. Together they had a daughter, Voluptas (pleasure) [2] and Psyche became a goddess of the soul."

Another source states:

"Cupid, Roman God of Love and perhaps the most famous of all Valentine symbols, has always played a role in the celebration of romance. As the son of Venus, he is often depicted as a mischievous, winged child whose arrows pierce the hearts of his victims, causing them to fall in love.

According to legend, Cupid's arrows come in two varieties: the Golden Arrow, which generally signifies true love, and the Leaden Arrow, which represents wanton and sensual passion. He is also known to sometimes carry a torch with which to inflame desire between men and women. Cupid is not always successful in his endeavors, however. Sometimes his arrows turn people away from those who fall in love with them.

As for our current image of Cupid:

Our current image of Cupid as a winged cherub is primarily based on images from painters of the Rennaissance. Though Cupid was often a boy in Roman myth, the images of winged, rosy-faced babies may be based more on a small group of winged infants who often accompanied Cupid called the AMORINI (or Amoretti; "the messengers of love").

Sources: http://www.novareinna.com/festive/cupid.html http://www.novareinna.com/festive/cupid.html; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid#Legend; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid

So, no matter which mythology that you choose to adhere to it appears that Cupid ultimately was quite the mischief maker who has been quite meddlesome in the affairs of the heart throughout the ages.

Why We Shoot Deer in the Wild

photo: Dorothy Parsons

Why We Shoot Deer in the Wild

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this.)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.  I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

The Week Has Rock & Rolled.

Dang! Woke up this morning to snow! Was sort of expecting it but not really. Thank goodness it wasn't' enough to even cause a hiccup in the normal flow of the morning. It would have made me crazy if it had.

I've been working the front desk at the office. I'm still trying to find the right rhythm for how & what all needs to be done up there. Going to have to find the right balance between what I have been doing and the new stuff. Just how to get it all done.

The new office manager started last week and she is really on the ball. I'm enjoying working with her. She is very nicely 'whipping' us into shape. A great addition to the team.

I had tons of stuff in my email this week - here's the newest batch. Enjoy!

Email & Newsletter Gleanings:

Country Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine > that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

A Father Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, How is your friend Audrey doing?

She replied, Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes,she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.

Her wise father asked his daughter, Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between conservative and liberal or progressive or neocon I'm all ears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

Danielle's Birthday Photo

The little one that I brought home from the hospital. Such a sweetie!

Hard to believe that she's all grown up, married and with children of her own.

Happy Birthday Danielle!

May you have a spectacular year! Love, Mom

Ronald Reagan Memory

Around 1988, Ronald Reagan came to R.J. Reynolds to speak. At the time we lived in the West End near their headquarters and I took Walter, with my Aunt Barbara, up to see him as he got off Marine One. As I remember there were about 10 of us at the back gate there to welcome him. We didn't get to see but a glimpse (no digital cameras back then either) but it was a great time.

Super Bowl Seat

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Politics from My Email

The Great Mystery

Ever wonder why no one ever came forward from President Obama's past saying they knew him, attended school with him, was his friend, etc. ?? Not one person has ever come forward from his past.

VERY, VERY STRANGE..

This should really be a cause for great concern. To those who voted for him, you may have elected an unqualified, inexperienced shadow man. Reminds me of The Manchurian Candidate....

Let's face it. As insignificant as we all are .. someone whom we went to school with remembers our name or face ... someone remembers we were the clown or the dork or the brain or the quiet one or the bully or something about us.

George Stephanopoulos of ABC News said the same thing during the 2008 campaign. He questions why no one has acknowledged the president was in their classroom or ate in the same cafeteria or made impromptu speeches on campus.

Stephanopoulos also was a classmate of Obama at Columbia -- the class of 1984. He says he never had a single class with him.

While he is such a great orator, why doesn't anyone in Obama's college class remember him? And, why won't he allow Columbia to release his records?

NOBODY REMEMBERS OBAMA AT COLUMBIA !

Looking for evidence of Obama's past, Fox News contacted 400 Columbia University students from the period when Obama claims to have been there, but none remembered him.

Wayne Allyn Root was, like Obama, a political science major at Columbia who also graduated in 1983 In 2008, Root says of Obama, "I don't know a single person at Columbia that knew him, and they all know me. I don't have a classmate who ever knew Barack Obama at Columbia. EVER!

Nobody recalls him. Root adds that he was also, like Obama, "Class of '83 political science, pre-law" and says, "You don't get more exact or closer than that." Never met him in my life, don't know anyone who ever met him. At the class reunion, our 20th reunion five years ago, who was asked to be the speaker of the class? Me. No one ever heard of Barack! And five years ago, nobody even knew who he was.

The guy who writes the class notes, who's kind of the, as we say in New York, the macha who knows everybody, has yet to find a person, a human who ever met him."

Obama's photograph does not appear in the school's yearbook and Obama consistently declines requests to talk about his years at Columbia, provide school records, or provide the name of any former classmates or friends while at Columbia.

NOTE: Root graduated as Valedictorian from his high school, Thornton-Donovan School, then graduated from Columbia University in 1983 as a Political Science major in the same class that Barack Hussein Obama was supposed to have been in.

Some other interesting questions..

Why was Obama's law license inactivated in 2002?

Why was Michelle's law license inactivated by Court Order?

It is circulating that according to the U.S. Census, there is only one Barack Obama but 27 Social Security numbers and over 80 aliases. WHAT!! ??? The Social Security number he uses now originated in Connecticut where he is never reported to have lived.

No wonder all his records are sealed.

Please continue sending this out to everyone. Somewhere, someone knew him in school...before he "reorganized" Chicago & burst upon the scene at the 2004 Democratic Convention & made us all swoon with his charm, poise & speaking pizzazz.

Congressional Reform Act

The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year-olds) took only 3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple! The people demanded it. That was in 1971...before computers, before e-mail, before cell phones, etc.

Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took 1 year or less to become the law of the land...all because of public pressure.

In three days, most people in The United States of America will have this message:

Congressional Reform Act of 2011 Amendment

1. Term Limits.

12 years only, one of the possible options below..

A. Two Six-year Senate terms

B. Six Two-year House terms

C. One Six-year Senate term and three Two-Year House terms

2. No Tenure / No Pension.

A Congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security.

All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the American people.

4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.

5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

6. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

7. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.

8. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are void effective 1/1/11.

The American people did not make this contract with Congressmen. Congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their term(s), then go home and back to work.

If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will only take three days for most people (in the U.S. ) to receive the message. Maybe it is time.

THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!!!!!

How Sweet! A Thank You Note!

Dear American Taxpayer

For only the second time in my adult life, I am not ashamed of my country. I want to thank the hard working American people for paying $242 thousand dollars for my vacation in Spain . My daughter Sasha, several long-time family friends, my personal staff and various guests had a wonderful time. Honestly, you just haven't lived until you have stayed in a $2,500.00 per night suite at a 5-Star luxury hotel.Thank you also for the use of Air Force 2 and the 70 Secret Service personnel who tagged along to be sure we were safe and cared for at all times.

Air Force 2 only used 47,500 gallons of jet fuel for this trip and carbon emissions were a mere 1,031 tons of CO2. These are only rough estimates, but they are close. That's quite a carbon footprint as my good friend Al Gore would say, so we must ask the American citizens to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and drive less too, so we can lessen our combined carbon footprint.

I know times are hard and millions of you are struggling to put food on the table and trying to make ends meet. I do appreciate your sacrifice and do hope you find work soon. I was really exhausted after Barack took our family on a luxury vacation in Maine a few weeks ago. I just had to get away for a few days.

Cordially,

Michelle Obama

P.S. Thank you as well for the $2 BILLION trip to India we just returned from! Love ya, mean it.

Laughs from My Email

I went digging through my email this evening and found these gems! Enjoy!

Quote of the Day: May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.. It is there for each and every one of us.

Mysterious Photo

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' He nervously asks.

'No, silly,' She replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues.

'No, not at all,' She says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' He demands.

She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...

The Remote Control

The wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

An Newfoundland Family Tradition

Jarge from Krinkle Cove, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the Cove to the Tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Jarge's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the Cove, Jarge, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Jarge, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Jarge's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

The Broken Zipper

Take the time to listen to this preacher. This guy missed his calling. Instead of being a preacher, he should have been a comedian.

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The priest fainted.

Childlike Observations

After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance.

The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Fruit Loops!"

Passing Notes

An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

TWO OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General ....

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

You got to love them both!

Don't Send A Man To The Grocery Store

I laughed so hard that I cried! Enjoy!

Common Sense

I am beginning to seriously wonder what some people are thinking these days. With the economy in its present state and unemployment levels as high as they are, what are people thinking.

Have/has the army of unemployed lost their ever-loving minds. Back in the day when many of us first started working we may have had a uniform of sorts to wear for our job and certain rules that we were required to follow while at work. I remember working for McDonald's in the early 80's. Their mantra at the time was, "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean." It really keep you focused on the job at hand. No hanging out in the lobby chatting with friends. Get the tasks done that you were assigned and then find other ways to help out. It was a job not a time to have a party and socialize.

If you wanted to call someone while you were at work, you were generally out of luck. Should a friend drop by you just couldn't stop and do nothing. Perhaps the best you could do was have a note passed to you to read later. Making a call generally involved hoping in the car and finding a pay phone.

Today virtually everyone is available 24/7, either by email, text, or cell phone. Many people have forgotten that there are time when you need to simply put the phone down and get the job done!

As an employee you cannot expect to be paid by your employer for ignoring your job while you text away the day with family and friends. It's not going to happen. Yes, it all depends on what type of work you are doing and the rules that your employer has in place. But generally, if you are working with the public your phone needs to be off or on vibrate and out of sight while you are on the clock. It is not an unreasonable expectation of your employer for you to not take personal calls or happily chat away by texting during your work hours.

Save it for lunch or break times. You are a grown up and can wait until then. Now we all know that on the rare occasion there is a true emergency. There is such a thing as a business phone that can be called! Wake up people. Who in their right mind would be upset and quit a job over not being able to text at work.

Who would have thought that things would get to that point. Like Nike's slogan says, "Just Do It!"

Pondering

Pondering life and relationships this evening. Sometimes it seems that just when yo think you are getting it together, you end up getting slapped out of the blue. Looking for the silver lining. Time to step back and see if I can find one.

Get Ready to Set Sail!

Remember getting up in the morning to watch Sailor Bob?

Watching as “Gilly,” pesters Sailor Bob with jokes from the porthole. Blue Bird entertaining us from the porch of his birdhouse; and Mr. Mouse as he “squeaked” about the days events to Sailor Bob. And don't forget the awesome drawings, Sailor Bob created with his ever ready magic marker.

Now you can take a trip down memory lane with Sailor Bob and his puppet friends, and explore the world off screen in the documentary, "The Sailor Bob Story". This 90 minute program, filled with archival photos and footage from the era, will take a nostalgic look at Sailor Bob, a.k.a. Bob Griggs, and the lasting impact he had on the children and adults of Virginia.

“The Sailor Bob Story”

Airing Tuesday, February 8 at 9:00 PM
WCVE PBS/WCVE HD and WHTJ PBS/WHTJ HD

Produced locally by VGO Productions.

Richmond Smile Center Commercial