Quote of the Day: May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.. It is there for each and every one of us.
Mysterious Photo
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' He nervously asks.
'No, silly,' She replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues.
'No, not at all,' She says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' He inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' He demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...
The Remote Control
The wife and I were at home watching TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"
An Newfoundland Family Tradition
Jarge from Krinkle Cove, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the Cove to the Tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Jarge's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the Cove, Jarge, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Jarge, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Jarge's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.
The Broken Zipper
Take the time to listen to this preacher. This guy missed his calling. Instead of being a preacher, he should have been a comedian.
A Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'
The priest fainted.
Childlike Observations
After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance.
The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Fruit Loops!"
Passing Notes
An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
TWO OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Number 2:
Now We Know Why He Was a General ....
In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
You got to love them both!
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