Here we are another week getting under way.
Email & Newsletter Gleanings:
Email & Newsletter Gleanings:
RED NECK FIREWOOD
Just a little humor to brighten your day
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith ..... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd .... Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-R-done)
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer...
We'd both still be alive.
Travel Hints
Really Good Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler
- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo."
- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
- There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
- On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter. (Unless you go to Quebec)
- Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
- Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
- Do not ask for directions to a Kosher restaurant when in Syria.
- In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
- If you enjoy beaches and surfing make Wyoming your second choice.
- Avoid Sudan in the summer. ( or winter )
- Buying cut rate first class tickets from a guy near an airport is not a good idea.
- Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
Mailbox Problem
A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.
Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith ..... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd .... Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-R-done)
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer...
We'd both still be alive.
Really Good Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler
- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo."
- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
- There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
- On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter. (Unless you go to Quebec)
- Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
- Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
- Do not ask for directions to a Kosher restaurant when in Syria.
- In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
- If you enjoy beaches and surfing make Wyoming your second choice.
- Avoid Sudan in the summer. ( or winter )
- Buying cut rate first class tickets from a guy near an airport is not a good idea.
- Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.
Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."
1 comment:
Hi Judy,
This post made me laugh out loud! All were quite funny. This is a great blog -- I found it by clicking on my own interests in my profile. You can check out my blog at:
www.aquillandinkwell.blogspot.com
A Quill and Inkwell is written to encourage young women in Christ and to provide awareness about a variety of subjects confronting Christianity today.
Keep up the good work!
Phylicia
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