Email & Newsletter Gleanings:
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
on his heels as the terrified man runs
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup.
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket and,
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this. One evening he had invited several friends to dinner, and while they were sitting at the table, one of the friends told a funny story.
Everyone laughed, and Sir William, who had laughed as loud as anyone, said, "That was a very funny joke, but I know a funnier one. Would you like to hear it?" They all said they would, so Sir William began his story. When it ended, everyone laughed louder than ever and Sir William smiled happily. However, he didn't know the reason for their laughter.
He had told the very same story that his friend had just told.
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memories is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these"