It has been a full day. Brian, one of my co-workers, has been whisk off by his girlfriend for a birthday trip to New York. The entire office kept the secret (for two months), until she sprung the surprise on him last night. It was really funny yesterday trying to change his appointments on the calendar behind his back, without his catching on. We all managed to pull the wool over his eyes. I hope they have a great time.
Walt & I went out for dinner this evening to Applebee's. The food wasn't nearly as good as it should have been. Oh well, better luck next time.
Email & Newsletter Gleanings:
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Walt & I went out for dinner this evening to Applebee's. The food wasn't nearly as good as it should have been. Oh well, better luck next time.
Email & Newsletter Gleanings:
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
- June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
- September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
- September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
- September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
- October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
- November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
- December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
- December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
- December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
- December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ..
16. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Walmart
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